Dirty Little Secret

It's been one week and I have not emailed my sister yet. So much for promises. (katanya kangen.. katanya mau sering2 kontak..mana? hrrhh) Maaan! I really need to start paying more attention to my family. You wanna know my dirty little secret? sometimes I wish that I lived somewhere else, far far away from all my families and relatives and all the obligations that come with it. Well it's not exactly a dirty little secret..but I am feeling so much guilt just thinking about it let alone writing it. Don't get me wrong I love my family , but sometimes all the obligations that come with it, especially with my two super lazy brothers who are still bumming off my parents, are just too much. I just get so tired sometimes. (God, I know I am starting to sound like self centerend biatch..anyone reading this please feel free to move on to anotehr blog)

I have lived on my own since uni and when I was in high school I actually could not wait to be able to live somewhere else. But my ex boyfriend of 8 years lived just bike ride away from my parents and hence the obligation to go home every weekend. This totally obliterated my social life all through out college. But I got to spend plenty of time with my family. Even though it mostly revolved around: me dominating the couch watching TV..me dominating the bathroom taking extended showers.. me dominating the computer flushing internet time money down the drain.. me dominating the phone chatting to my friends..

When I thought about it, I never really had that much chance to really communicate with my parents. Sure, I tell them what's going on in my life.. who I'm dating.. what I'm doing at work.. etc.. But have I really listened to them? Have I showed interest in their personal lifes when they are always ready to listen to what I have to say no matter how trivial it might seem?

When I was finally free of the last anchor I had to my home (my ex) I was enveloped by a sense of euphoria. For the first month I did not even bother to come home at all. How terrible is that? I just wanted to spend my weekends with my friends and my newst object of affection. I literally had no time for my family. I rarely called.. let alone visit. And what about my family? Of course they try to reconnect with me. My mom never fails to call me every Friday to ask me whether or not I'm coming home and now I have run out of excuses. Masa sih tiap minggu ada kerjaan? Kan enggak mungkin juga.

As I will be leaving in less than 2 months for a year to study in the UK, I am treasuring each moment I get to spend with my boy. On the other hand I also feel obligated to go home to spend some time with my family before I take off. What to do .. oh what to do? Other indonesians would probably be giddy with excitement at the prospect of going to school in London for free (yeah.. I'm going on a scholarship..I'm not the daughter of some oil tycoon or something), but I am very weary.. You wanna know the silliest thing that happened? When I received my letters from the university I'm going to about all the welcoming activities they have prepared for all international students (sounds like fun actually.. pop night..karaoke..old school disco..the works!), I started crying. And I just couldn't stop. Eventually I ended up crying myself to sleep. Aneh banget!!

I should be screaming with joy.. grinning from ear to ear.. but instead I chose to drench my pillow crying. God, what a wuss! When I think about it I guess at the bottom of it I am just terrified of having to leave all my safety nets behind. My family.. my boy.. my friends..
hrrmmmhh... and then I also started thinking about all the fights I will be having with my mom for wanting to spend all my weekends with my boy and his son.. hrrhh.. hence the dirty little secret. The irony of it is that when that dirty little wish finally come true (for a year no less! and in London.. number one on my wish list alternative address)..all I can think about is how much I'm going to miss everybody I love here..

I Hate Goodbyes

Today my whole family went to the airport to say goodbye to my dear sister. She got a scholarship and will be continuing her studies at Duke Uni, North carolina for 2 years! The age difference between us is only 2 years, so we are pretty close. Even though lately I have been too busy with my own life and work, but I still try to call her just to chat sometimes. Well.. she was always busy too, so we usually end up just talking for 5 minutes, before she interrupts me to say that she needs to get back to work or that somebody else is on the other line. I thought I was going to be okay, since we don't see each other that often anyway. But I was still really sad. I guess it just hits me that I've always taken the fact that me and my sister live in the same city for granted. Before whenever I needed her I could just pick up my esia and call her. Now? Agak mahal yaaaa!
Well I guess we just have to start chatting nad emailing (I just realized that I don;t know her personal email address!! This is really really bad!). And this time I will not be too busy for her.

Good luck sis and try to have fun!