what's next?

So... tomorrow came and went. Nothing happened. Not even a phone call. Great. No follow up to the I-need-to-talk talk. What should I do? Send a text message and be ignored? Make a phone call and feel like a fool? I think I will let my pride win this time around. My heart will just have to wait it out and suffer a little bit more.

the dreaded goodbye

So it has finally come to this. "I need to talk" often translates as i need some space...from you. And I cannot believe that after years and years and years of relationships with men I still don't learn a thing. Not even to separate my heart and my brain. I somehow always manage to mix the two up and end up being hurt. The one thing that I've realized happening is that the older get, the harder I fall. Everyone knows that age does not equal wisdom. And in my case this is so true. Even after uncountable heartbreaks I'm still none the wiser. And as I've stated, I even fall harder, more intensely and with more passion. Gone were the days of fun infatuations and light crushes. Now, it's either a one night stand or a winding love affair. The latter almost always wins. It seems like I just don't bother with light crushes any more. I'll whiz on straight to the big L. Even though all those years of being in and witnessing failed relationships have helped to form the pessimist side of me, I still jump head first in to that blackhole called love. Yeah..yeah.. I know nothing lasts forever and sure, I've broken my fair share of hearts, but when it comes to my own I still always find that it hurts. Whether it's the heart or the ego. They both suffer. Now I am gearing myself up for the dreaded goodbye talk tomorrow. Jeez! I can't believe I'm being dumped again!

Little boys and girls

"We're like Tom Hanks in Big. Little boys and girls
trapped in adult bodies and forced to get on with it."

--Nick Hornby (High Fidelity)

anticipation

Don't you just love that feeling of looking forward for something exciting to happen? How it makes you smile from ear to ear whenever the thought enters your mind? I feel like a kid again, looking forward to the trip to an amusement park with my friends. Back then, I would feel shivers of excitement running up and down my spine everytime I pictured myself on the roller coaster. And usually the night before these yearly trips I'd get so strung out on my own excitement that getting a wink of sleep seemed impossible. I just couldn't wait for the next morning to come. I never thought I could feel the same high again. But it turns out that no matter how old you are, no matter how tedious your life is, if you've let that someone special in your life, those feelings will most definitely come rushing back to you. Now I'm just trying very hard to keep this silly grin off my face just to concentrate on writing a paragraph of meaningless advice for people who are insecure about their appearance.

Question of the day:
How can one be so happy and so sad at the same time?
I guess happiness is just a two ended sword, and so is sadness. One cannot have one without the other. How would you be able to know when you're happy when you've never been sad? and vice versa. But I tell you something, experiencing both feelings at the same time can be a real heart breaker.

Dancing Away

Dancing Away

My hands are touching him
but all I want to feel
is the rough stubble of your jaw

My lips are whispering his name
but all I want to hear
is the sweet sound of your voice

Oh, how I wish I could just dance
all my thoughts of you away
but your sweet rhythm
keep pulling me back
luring my heart
back into that deep dark forest
where your scent lingers on
Irresistibly

i am seeing someone at the moment

When I saw those words I was speechless. I did not know what to say. Somehow this piece of information is something I already know. Somehow. But not until he put it in words have I finally realized what it meant. The absence of the word 'else' as in someone else really tells you something, doesn't it? Still a little bit confused? Let me tell you something before I go on. My relationship with the person who wrote this is a complicated one. Well, that is if you can call seeing someone for the total of only 11 days in a 2 year span a relationship. We met one night in a club. You know what they say about meeting people in a club. But this one was different, we were clicking. Connecting, on a level further than physical connection. We spent the night (the early hours of the morning actually) talking about everything. I felt like I've known him before. But then 5 hours after meeting we had to say good bye, with nothing to hold onto but our memories and an email address. It was like something out of a movie. The last hour that we were together we walked around Shibuya in the morning drizzle, holding hands and talking. (*audible sigh*)
After that we kept in touch through emails. Sometimes up to 20 emails a day. Those words 'you've got one new message' would excite me to no end. But, we weren't those people who just talked about how they missed each other. In fact we didn't talk about how much we missed each other, since we only just met for that one day and we were far too busy trying to act like interesting, intelligent adults to talk about meaningless mush. Well I have to admit that in the midst of all the frequent messages about Amitav Ghosh, Baz Luhrman, Arundhati Roy, New Order, Chandra Muzzafar, and how much the Australian government sucks, we also shared the intimate details of our daily lives. We would tell each other what we had for lunch, what we think about as we absentmindedly stared into the our dish of the day, and even what we wore. The nice touch was how he would send me me pictures of himself, a nice view he had just seen, and even of his favorite beat up Birkenstocks.
Yeah.. those were the days.
After all those intense emailing, we finally found a way to meet up. His excuse was to interview Chandra Muzzafar in Malaysia, and wouldn't I like to come along to meet up and go for a backpacking trip together. Would I? Of course! I jumped at the chance. Even though I had only met the guy for 5 hours at the most. To cut a long story short, we ended up meeting in KL. How my heart pounded as soon as the plane touched the Malaysian ground. I was a nervous wreck. The only thought going through my mind was: what if he is really a psychotic rapist???? Well.. I know that's a bit far fetched. But, hey! These days? Who knew? For all you know, the tomboy you see walking about everyday at the office with an i-don't-care-how-i-look-so why-should-you-care look, whom you could never be bothered to learn the name of could be a man eater (as I have learned through a very surprising turn of events). As I was ascending the too fast for my taste escalator in KL's Central Station, to meet him, I was thinking up ways to greet him. Would a 'hello, how are you' with a nice and firm handshake do? Or would a hug with no words, only our tearful eyes meeting be better? Or would two air kisses on the cheek, like how two acquaintances meet in my home town do? But wouldn't a nice passionate kiss be the more appropriate way of greeting? Since that was the last thing we shared as we parted in the hotel lobby, me to board my airport limousine bus and him to head out to Shibuya station. (*again.. audible sigh*)

Pleasant Poison

The night grew darker
The air grew heavier
Heavy with his scent

With every breath
With every sigh
She lets a piece of him in

Suffocating her
Torturing her
Pleasuring her

The intense surroundings
Had suddenly become
Too overwhelming
As she looked for a way out
She sighed as deeply as she could
Willing herself
Forcing herself
To finally let go..

Empty

I can feel
The empty hollow
Inside me
Growing
Swallowing me whole
And I am on the outside
Looking in
To the space
Where you
Used to lay